poetry and stuff

2005-11-25T19:26:00.000-08:00

you packed your bags
and got out of town
just as quckly
as you came around
but we can't leave
this is our home
and the devistation lingers
long after you have gone

you see the images
on your tv screen
you want to help
but can't find the time
you send your prayers
but we need more

our whole lives
lost before our eyes
you only see
what you want to know
you have no clue
what it is like down here
and you don't care
because it is starting to snow

tents and tarps
our only shelter
as rain and wind
crash down on us
freezing nights
and painful days

will it ever end
will life ever be the same
the devistaion lingers
long after you stop seeing it
the devistaion lingers
long after you are gone

2005-11-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

Discouragement has set in
I feel alone again.
crying for things I wish I had
and wishing for things to cry about.
wondering what they really think
and why they just stand there looking

2005-11-05T16:12:00.000-08:00

Dazed...
living in a trance,
in my own little world....
Finding the past,
in the middle of the present,
and wondering what it all means.
Living a lie,
and hating it all,
broken
and bleeding,
I fall into your arms.
you don't know what to do with me there
you know I should run to someone else
but you long to hold me
and take care of my aching soul.

2005-09-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

Total devistaion,
fearing things to come
stepping off the cliff
not knowing how far the fall will be.

Anger overcomes me
but it won't hold me back.
Lies surrond me
but I cling to the truth.

Pain tries to stop me
but I go on instead.

ME

2005-06-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

I found the other poem that is like the last one. they were written about 6 months apart both for a creative writing class I was taking. there was a thing we did to come up with all the things. well that is enough about it...

ME
i am a dark red
almost black i am so red

i am an incomplete circle
almost a semicircle
but not quite that either

i am a slow jog
created in hysteria
but continued in fun

i am the klip klop of your sandle
on the hardwood floor

i am seventy two
just some random number in space

i am a green volkswagen beetle
making my way across the world

i am the comfortable worn out armchair
the one you have always known and loved

i am calamari
only when prepared right
will you enjoy me to the fullest

i am the stan up bass
to the side of the stage
waiting for my turn to play sweet melodies

i am the quietest room in the house
waiting to be occupied by more silence

i am the rain pouring down to give new life
to an environment so helpless

i am an oak in the dead of winter
naked for all to see

i am your psychotic self

2005-06-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

must post something *digs through piles of things looking for something good to post* Ah here is something that should give you some insight into who I am. there is another one somewhere that I will find and post later....

If I...
If I were a color
I would have to be the perfect gray of the sky
just be fore a storm.

I would be a circle
continuing forever
with no begining
and no end.

I am the annoying squeak
of your sneaker on the cold tile floor.

I am a trillion billion
the number that everyone knows exists,
but no one can ever get to.

I am the kiwi
that you always pass in the supermarket,
overlooking,
until one day you slice into it
and discover how wonderful it is.

I am the star
shining bright in the sky,
until you look away
and I am no more.

-Fall 1999

2005-05-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Note: this isn't poetry and might do better in my normal blog, but I feel compelled to put it here instead. maybe one day it will make it to my normal blog....

I feel alone, abandoned, and unloved… I need an escape. I want to do things I know I shouldn’t. I don’t want to talk about it, I want to run from it. I have always dealt with these feeling so negatively. I don’t know how much longer it will be before I break. I am not strong enough. I need more than clichés to make me feel better. I need ppl that really care. by all means, pray for me, but don’t through Christian clichés in my face and think they are going to do me any good. I know all the book answers. I know what to tell ppl when they feel like this. the one thing I don’t know is how to make all those words help. I don’t think you can do that. I think ppl just need to be held. I know I need someone to cry with. I need someone that isn’t going to tell me I just need more faith. those words mean nothing right now. those words seem belittling and pious at best! I need real compassion, not just a façade. I need real ppl being real about their struggles and questions, not a bunch of talking heads.

sorry

2005-04-19T23:47:00.000-07:00

I really do have some new stuff!! It should be up next week, once I am home from my vacation and settled in a bit.

2005-04-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

Painfully mutilated
dying inside
acheing for freedom
but suffocating yourself.

Watching you and crying
wishing I could help
hurting for you
like it was my pain.

2005-03-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

Paralyzing fear
cripples my mind
and I can no longer react....

I lay here lifeless,
just acheing to know...

Thoughts seem a million miles away
and breathing is difficult....

Life could end
outside my door
and I would know nothing of it
because the fear has taken over,
and I no longer exist.

Mellow death of soul...

2005-03-14T12:27:00.002-08:00

Whining,
crashing,
the great stillness of sound.
The colorful array of notes hits my head
and nothing exists outside this place.

Seeing,
ever seeing the pain inside
wanting to heal,
just breathing in the pain once again.

Now the depression has turned inspiring
still lingering over my head
but different now.
Still painful
but somehow soothing.

There is no end to it
and I wonder if there ever was a beginning;
not remembering
or ever seeing one.

Sinking into myself with every beat of the drum,
joyous return
mellow death of soul.
still hurting,
but somehow full.

Immersed again
in this world of imaginative reality.

Love without pain
is a world without music
without words
without pages
or color.

As the pain grows
so does the capacity for life,
for love,
for reality.

2005-03-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

Arbitrary death

and beliefs of falling into darkness.

Christians tell of love

but desire wants to die,

emancipate myself from this world.

Freak

that’s what they say I am

gushing blood from my veins

humbles myself in their eyes.

Idiots…

Jerks…

Keeping me in my own world.

Love kills me

missiles ant no life.

Nauseous people make me sick

overflowing life into death,

quickly finding that nowhere is where I long to be.

Racing towards nothingness

with stupid beginnings

and tomorrows that never come.

Unknown pain

and visions of forgotten stupidity

withdrawn from the world.

Life it now a myth

yielding only in my dreams

and I can find nothing to hold on to.

2005-03-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Lost,

wandering in circles forever.

tears,

staining my heart

for only me to feel.

Questions,

burning my mind like a wildfire

and then turning into ashy remains.

Broken,

wanting only to be whole once more.

2005-03-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

A flame turns into a spark.

the light turns into dark.

The sun burns up in flames,

but they still play their little kid games.

Night turns into day

but I still can’t hear what they say.

Blocking out all my fears

trying to hide all my tears.

They can all see the light

but they just stand there in fright

wanting all the pain to go away

but knowing it will always stay.

Reflections

2005-03-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Life stopped

only for a while

and I was taken back

to the past,

to the part of me I long to forget.

The words they spoke

when they didn’t know I was listening

broke my heart

because they were once mine.

The pain that poured

out of their skin,

their words,

and their lives

made it all too real again.

I sat alone

and cried…

and prayed…

and poured out my soul…

hoping they might hear something

any thing that would help.

2005-03-11T20:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I left

never to come back.

Somehow when I woke today

I found myself here again

and more alone than ever before.

The people I know,

same as before,

wandering around in their own misunderstood selves.

Blocking out reality

and hiding from their dreams…

Tomorrow I will leave again

only to come back

to the same place as before

and begin all over again

in the sea of blank responses.

2005-03-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

Looking back
on where I have been
and all the things
I’ve made my way through
Time stands still
and I watch it all n slow motion
and try to redeem my soul.

They all seem
so much father along.
All their lives
so much more complete
While I am still
trying to sort thru the pieces
of all the messes I have made.

Broken

2005-03-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

Broken,
lying on the ground,
in need of repair....
stripped of all that was good
and made to be evil...
turning against each other,
and hating the world
because it made us this way....

community shattered
in only an instant....
and lives that can never
be repaired....

God is our only hope now...
to remember what He has said....
to love as He has loved....

when will we get past ourselves
and see that there is something deeper...
can we only be together
in eternity?

2005-02-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

would you care if I told you I was going to die today,
and what if I told you it was all your fault?
would you still love me if I were to take my own life?
would it really matter all that much
if I were no longer around?
would you miss me terribly,
or only in your dreams?
do you say these things just to make me cry?
what could I do to make you love me
the way that you used to?
I can not think of a thing...
and knowing how much you hate me right now
is making me want to just die....

2005-01-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

Emotional past
bring angry present
and deadly futures.
I have no feeling
which gives me no life.
I don’t remember happy times
I just long for the sad times…
Not hurting
or bleeding
or needing this silence.
wanting to know this passion others have
almost feeling it,
but then slipping away.
Back into the darkness
of hate and disorder.

I want a new beginning
more of life to be lived.
I want a brighter future
with smiles and happiness.
but they only give me lies,
fake love
but hidden anger.

PLAYING GOD

2005-01-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

note: this could be terribly controversial and I really don' t want to hear how I am wrong and or how ppl that commit suicide are going to hell... Thanks

Playing God

Looking lost
feeling alone
Wandering in a sea of people every day.
Knowing death brings hope,
but fearing the thought of leaving my secure home.

Just a knife,
a blade,
a gun,
a rope
any would do
to take me to the home I long for.

I know that in death I have a promise,
and in life only pain.
But could I live with myself,
throughout eternity,
knowing I played God
and He let me win.

2005-01-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

Agony,
self-defeating light
suffocating within myself.

Why do I always end up here?
Alone,
in the deafening silence.
Broken,
with no one to help me heal.
Crying…
Dying…
defeated once again.

I’ve found that the passion of my soul lies here.
I thrive on knowing I will end up here once again,
and my soul will return to its darkest state.

Not that I like it here,
here in this monotonous pain.
But it has become my only reality,
my only true self,
and without it I am no one.

Waiting for You

2005-01-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Running through the desert sands
searching for something to quinch my dry soul.
Acheing to feel Your touch,
just to be with You.
It's been a long while
since You spoke to me,
Now I long to hear Your voice
in the silence of my mind.
I feel so helpless
when I can't feel You by my side.
So I sit here
and wait for You
to give me strength to go on.

would you still love me?

2005-01-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

would you still love me
if you knew what I had done
if you knew the lies I told
and all the things I never said...

would you still love me
if I wasn't really sorry,
and I ment every word...

would you still love me
if you knew I would do it all again,
if you knew I would hurt me,
and you would have to see...

would you still love me?

New Lives

2005-01-15T14:07:00.000-08:00

Another place
another time
another life that we lived...
so long ago
but feels like just the other day...

so much fun...
so many times...
but now they are all just memories...
we fell apart
and became different people
living new lives now.

Then again
we went back there
just for a night...
journeyed back to those old lives
and the friendships that were there...
It was fun,
but it made us realize
that we now have new lives...
and the old ones are just memories
only to be visited together....

a poem for freinds

2005-01-15T09:49:00.000-08:00

we are the ones who hear without words
we are the ones who hold without fears

we give flight to all those tears
we give hope that ceases to surge

we are the many
we are the few

we are you

M&M's and Other Sad Things...

2005-01-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

Normal everyday things
not so normal anymore.
Happy things
make me sad
and sad things
just make it worse.
Crying over M&M's
and songs the radio forgot to play.
Missing people from the past
and those who are far away.
Longing for the life
I use to have
but with the subtle differences
of today.

GIRL?

2005-01-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

Some things never change
Some people never change
Sometimes I must remember
That it isn’t up to me
To change people

I know what
I was meant to do
But why can’t others
See it so clearly
Why is it that
Their vision is so clouded
And I am just another
GIRL

Maybe I try too hard
Or not hard enough
Or maybe this
It just how it was ment to be
Maybe I am wrong
Everything I know and am
All wrong
Maybe I’m supposed
To be
Just another
GIRL

Rose Colored Glasses

2005-01-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

If things could be the way
I always dreamed they would be
then things would be a prettier shade of pink
through these rose colored glasses I am forced to wear.
My life wouldn't be such a mess
and I wouldn't live in constant fear.

If things could be the way
I always dreamed they would be
Black and white wouldn't seem so gray
and maybe I would want to live today.

But these rose colored glasses are blinding me,
making me see more than what's really there.
They make me want to stay in bed
not live today
or any other one.
Making me believe all dreams really do come true.

So maybe I'll take off my rose colored glasses,
just for a while.
So I can see what the world is really like.
Maybe then I can decide
if I really hate myself
or if I can go on living for a while.

just some info

2005-01-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

so I have a blog that is just thoughts and such, but today I was trying to be productive and I thought "why not start a poetry blog" so here it is... after this everything will be poetry.... so yeah blah