Paralyzing fear
cripples my mind
and I can no longer react....

I lay here lifeless,
just acheing to know...

Thoughts seem a million miles away
and breathing is difficult....

Life could end
outside my door
and I would know nothing of it
because the fear has taken over,
and I no longer exist.

Mellow death of soul...

Whining,
crashing,
the great stillness of sound.
The colorful array of notes hits my head
and nothing exists outside this place.

Seeing,
ever seeing the pain inside
wanting to heal,
just breathing in the pain once again.

Now the depression has turned inspiring
still lingering over my head
but different now.
Still painful
but somehow soothing.

There is no end to it
and I wonder if there ever was a beginning;
not remembering
or ever seeing one.

Sinking into myself with every beat of the drum,
joyous return
mellow death of soul.
still hurting,
but somehow full.

Immersed again
in this world of imaginative reality.

Love without pain
is a world without music
without words
without pages
or color.

As the pain grows
so does the capacity for life,
for love,
for reality.

Arbitrary death

and beliefs of falling into darkness.

Christians tell of love

but desire wants to die,

emancipate myself from this world.

Freak

that’s what they say I am

gushing blood from my veins

humbles myself in their eyes.

Idiots…

Jerks…

Keeping me in my own world.

Love kills me

missiles ant no life.

Nauseous people make me sick

overflowing life into death,

quickly finding that nowhere is where I long to be.

Racing towards nothingness

with stupid beginnings

and tomorrows that never come.

Unknown pain

and visions of forgotten stupidity

withdrawn from the world.

Life it now a myth

yielding only in my dreams

and I can find nothing to hold on to.

Lost,

wandering in circles forever.

tears,

staining my heart

for only me to feel.

Questions,

burning my mind like a wildfire

and then turning into ashy remains.

Broken,

wanting only to be whole once more.

A flame turns into a spark.

the light turns into dark.

The sun burns up in flames,

but they still play their little kid games.

Night turns into day

but I still can’t hear what they say.

Blocking out all my fears

trying to hide all my tears.

They can all see the light

but they just stand there in fright

wanting all the pain to go away

but knowing it will always stay.

Reflections

Life stopped

only for a while

and I was taken back

to the past,

to the part of me I long to forget.

The words they spoke

when they didn’t know I was listening

broke my heart

because they were once mine.

The pain that poured

out of their skin,

their words,

and their lives

made it all too real again.

I sat alone

and cried…

and prayed…

and poured out my soul…

hoping they might hear something

any thing that would help.

Yesterday I left

never to come back.

Somehow when I woke today

I found myself here again

and more alone than ever before.

The people I know,

same as before,

wandering around in their own misunderstood selves.

Blocking out reality

and hiding from their dreams…

Tomorrow I will leave again

only to come back

to the same place as before

and begin all over again

in the sea of blank responses.

Looking back
on where I have been
and all the things
I’ve made my way through
Time stands still
and I watch it all n slow motion
and try to redeem my soul.

They all seem
so much father along.
All their lives
so much more complete
While I am still
trying to sort thru the pieces
of all the messes I have made.

Broken

Broken,
lying on the ground,
in need of repair....
stripped of all that was good
and made to be evil...
turning against each other,
and hating the world
because it made us this way....

community shattered
in only an instant....
and lives that can never
be repaired....

God is our only hope now...
to remember what He has said....
to love as He has loved....


when will we get past ourselves
and see that there is something deeper...
can we only be together
in eternity?